Strangely enough I'm
getting nervous. Next week I go back to the hospital for a bone marrow
biopsy. That's not the part that makes me nervous - I've had close to a
dozen of them in the past 18 months and know what to expect. I even know
what result to expect - after all I've been having regular blood tests ever
since my transplant and all have been clear, so there's no reason to expect this
to be any different.
Except that it *is*
different. I've been reaching a point recently where I go for hours at a time
without thinking of leukaemia. There are multiple cues - pill time, shower
time, catching sight of my scalp in a mirror, the feel of my Hickman line
in its bag around my neck, or just someone else telling me how well I look.
Whatever the cause, I am reminded of my situation frequently throughout the
day. But - slowly it's been getting less intense. I had some hair
for long enough that people have mostly stopped commenting on it. I even
have conversations that end without either of us enquiring after the other's
health.
And now this biopsy. It's the
first one since I was discharged from hospital and I keep finding myself
imagining what I'll do if I get the "I'm sorry to tell you" phone call. I
don't expect to get it. I think I'm enough in tune with my body to have an
inkling if things were going wrong again - but imagination is what it is, and my
monkey mind has got hold of this idea and does not want to let
go.
Still it's an
opportunity to practice my meditation and positive thoughts. And talking
of positive - Darren - my buddy from Africa many years ago, and long term bone
marrow transplant survivor himself, is passing through HK on the day that I go
in for my tests. Passing through on his way to London for the Ironman
competition I should add.
Now *that* is
inspirational. Me - I'm happy to lift a couple of rocks but Darren - he does
world class triathlons! Of course, anyone strong, fit, and dedicated enough to
qualify for the Ironman is entitled to respect - but knowing that he's come out
the far side of leukaemia before doing it is a great marker to remember should I
ever be tempted to play the "I can't do that because..." sympathy
card.
